Fhkjurewdfhmhfsdfhhtethkutewryioutewtjlutetjlkyetjtewtjteyjur.

I hate everything right now.

I'm not smiling.

I'm not with my Big, Best Friend, or Grandbig right now.

I got a piece of glass stuck in my foot.

I can't find my meds.

All I want to do is lay in bed.

And Cry.

And listen to Doomsday.

I don't want to talk to people.

The love of my life doesn't love me.

I am listening to my "depressing" music.

I'm crying for no reason.

I'm eating large amounts of chocolate.

I'm freezing.

My internet won't work.

I have to find a job.

I have to be an adult.

I am probably going to quit school.

I've lost touch with who I am.

I'm distant from my faith.

I'm depressed.

I don't seem to care.

My room is a disaster.

I never get to see my friends.

I feel inferior to my sisters.

Who am I?

Nightmares

Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering.
It's not enough to save the day.
I can't escape my nightmares.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like whatever I'm doing isn't right. Last night I was thinking about where my home is. I don't feel like it's where I grew up. I don't talk to anyone I graduated with and don't feel like I used to when I walk into my old school. I thought my home was here in Ashland, but how can it be if I am not striving to do everything possible to stay? I'm taking a break next semester, but to me it isn't only a break to straighten out my medications and rest and make some money. I am also using it to figure out what I want to do.

I also felt like my home was Phi Mu. Every experience I have had with my sorority has been amazing and life changing. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. If it was bad, I learned from it. If it was good, I cherished it. But how can this truly be my home if I'm not doing everything in my power to stay? Leaving school means leaving my sorority. I can't participate in things with them or go to meetings.

Lately I have been questioning EVERYTHING. I want to be a teacher, but I don't feel like I have the dedication to be one. Sometimes I feel like all I really want is to work with kids. But I really want to complete college and not just give up on my dream. I also question what I were to do if I didn't stay in college. I'd have to get a job. Where would I work? Would I ever be able to move out of my house? Get my own place? Get married? Have kids? Start a new life? What if I stayed in school? My grades would probably continue to suffer. Would I get kicked out? Would I never get to come back? What about the people I care about? If I don't see them as much will they forget about me? Will my friends back home give up on me? My other ones did, why shouldn't they?

See? This is what I'm dealing with. I am constantly freaking out and asking myself and anyone who is around me these questions. It's gotten to the point where I am shaking and can't sleep. All of this insomniac behavior has not been helping either.

I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I just want to find the place that I can call home. The place I would go to the end of the Earth for. <3

Wibely Wobbly, Timey Whimey Stuff

Wow. I haven't blogged in awhile. So here goes....

New Blog Layout, which means I have developed another obsession. This time it is Doctor Who. Props to my Grand Big Michelle Daymon and one of my Best Friends Eric Schlabach for introducing me to it. You should watch it too if you haven't. Especially if you like geeking out over dorky men like David Tennant as well as others, science, epicness, being made fun of for being a geek, time travel, pin striped suits, trench coats, amazing hair, and so on and so forth. Basically, it is cool and awesome, and you should watch it.

So this shows how much of a geek I have become....the colors in my blog reflect David Tennant's outfits on Doctor Who. The light blue is the pin stripe, brown for the trench coat, burgundy for his shoes, and dark blue for his other suit. Yeah....

So enough about Doctor Who (for now....even though it is amazing) and onto my life.

Actually, I am mostly going to incorporate Doctor Who in this part too because I am going to talk about Chameleon Circuit's songs. Chameleon Circuit is a band the plays songs about Doctor Who. Isn't that magnificent? It's called Time Lord Rock. I love how it has its own genre. Win.

So about the songs....I have some favorites, they are An Awful lot of Running to Do, Nightmares, Blink, and Teenage Rebel. Though these songs are about Doctor Who, I can find places in my life that relate to them.

I feel like An Awful lot of Running to Do is pretty obvious, but I will still talk about it.

"It's completely terrifying but it's so so exciting
He said I was brilliant and I could change the world
So many places I've been; there's so much more to see
We've got galaxies and planets and moons
And an awful lot of running to do"

It depends on why you are running, but either way it is probably either terrifying, or exciting. It can also be both. We all feel like we are running from something, or with something. Personally, I am running from something, and have been for years. It's nothing dangerous in the sense, but it does affect me. It's the kind of thing that you know needs to happen, or you desperately want it to, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Sometimes you get those little bits of false hope, and you think at that moment that everything is going to change, and that everything you want is running towards you, but then it passes you and you're left running away from what you thought was running to you.

So don't blink
I said, don't blink
Just look directly at them
And they'll stay where they are
I think they're crying anyway
They can't mean no harm
my eyes are watering
I'm right on the brink
I'm sure nothing would happen
If I were to-"

Don't Blink. Blink and you're dead. Well not really. This song is referring to a few episodes where there is a circumstance that requires them not to blink because of something that can move so fast while you aren't looking at them. However, in this case, "Blink and you are dead" should instead say "Blink and you''ll miss it". Hold onto what you value most, because time is always moving. If you go through it too fast then you aren't able to enjoy it and it just slips right past you. My point is that you shouldn't let life pass you by too fast. One moment you are having the time of your life, and then before you know it, it's gone. In the blink of an eye.

"Hey old man
Rest your head
You're breaking down inside
Armour's cracked, set to collapse
Damn you, don't you cry
I've ended lives
And ended worlds
I guess I've done it all
Fire and ice
And rage inside
How long until I fall?

Somewhere all my darkest fears
Are gathering
It's not enough to
Save the day
I can't escape my nightmares

Dreams have shown me
Who I am
A danger to myself

Trickster feared
Far from revered,
So I must fear as well
Words and laughter's
Wearing thin,
Breaking this disguise
Where do (the) Angels
Fear to tread?
How can I think to hide?"

This one has been in my head alot. I'm not normally the type of person who is drawn to the darker songs, but this one always strikes a chord with me. Specifically the part that says

"Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering. It's not enough to save the day. I can't escape my nightmares". Nightmares. We are all haunted by them. Whether we allow them to affect us or not is the real thing we need to worry about. It's that feeling when everything you don't want to happen, happens. Instantaneously. It makes you feel like your world is falling apart and there isn't anything you can do about it. But then you have to remember the good things you have. The friends that truly matter in your life because you know they care about you, the good times you had with old friends, your family, and yourself and all the wonderful things you have accomplished. If you take some time to appreciate the little things in life, soon they will out number the bad ones.

"I've got so many different faces, So many different personalities, My taste and gygat cravings, Are some things you can't take away from me You can't stop me dreaming. I used to be old, But now I feel young, Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run, I could never be settled in one time or place, I won't ever stop, Cause I know what's right, Get in my way, I will burst into light I'll keep dying and living and changing my ways, But I was a teenage rebel, and that stayed the same. It might feel like you're defeated, But I know that we all long to be set free, So overcome your monsters, Rise up, there is just one thing you need. Something to believe in."

This one is similar to "Nightmares", but it is the solution to those worries. People can't stop you from dreaming, because those are your dreams. No matter how unrealistic they may seem, or how silly other people may think they are, they are yours and nothing can take them away from you. Be a rebel of reality, and dream.

And in conclusion, here is my favorite picture of David Tennant ever. We all need to see the humorous side of life and have fun with it like him. I mean come on, look at him. He's sitting in a wardrobe drinking tea. <3

Insert Post Title Here.

David Tennant. That is all.

"It's Not Aways Black and White, but Your Heart Always Knows What's Right"

You are black, I am white.

You are the darkness, I am the light.

 You fall down, but I pick you up.

If you had wound, I'd patch it up.

You are fire, I am water.

If you were a father, I'd be the mother.

If you go one way, I wont go the other.

The two of us are close, two birds of a feather.

When times get tough, I'll hold your hand.

I've been there with you, I understand.

If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you.

And I would already know, You'd pick me to.

 But it appears there's another, one who thinks they'll set you free.

Yet you seemed to be blinded, by the darkness you see.

This one is cold, but colder than me.

For the heart of theirs, is quite icy.

 Ice can't calm a fire, let alone tame it.

But water can control it, while keeping its flame lit.

 Darkness trying to light darkness, it a bad combination.

But light can cure darkness, and bring illumination.

If you could only see this, and weren't blinded by this "love".

Then you to could be like me, free as a dove.

So open your eyes, and before you think you're through.

I've been there this whole time, right next to you.

It doesn't matter, how hard you try to remove me.

I think you will agree, that I'm the one that will set you free.

Me.

 <3

Give Me Something to Sing About <3

They say if you are feeling down you should either spend some time by yourself and reflect on your life, or talk to someone you trust about it. Well me being a people person, it was natural for me to want to talk with someone. That's hard when the people you want to talk to can't be with you or don't have time, but even worse when the only people you can talk to just make you feel worse. The people I want to talk to are either currently quite a distance from me, have strict parents who make sure they are home early, and those who are so busy they don't always have time to talk. Well that was my situation last night. My Big, Susie, and Kate all live almost 2 hours away and when my Big was trying to send me things over the internet to keep me occupied, my internet failed me and i have to wait until I'm somewhere with decent internet again. I got to see Sylvia a little bit last night when she was done with work, but her mom called her and made her go home at 8. Then there are the people who are always busy. Leigh has a good job now and has to work many evenings, so she can't do anything till around 11 at night. Eric has a very time consuming job where sometimes he has to get up really early, and then has to work in the evenings, so he goes to bed early.

There are few times I get to see my friends, but those are some of the best. I usually see Sylvia and Eric at Chuch on Sunday and sometimes we hang out afterwards. Those times are always interesting. And when we go back to college, I will be able to see my Big and Susie everyday if I can. However, I rarely get to see Kate because she isn't at school anymore, and Leigh, at least just by herself that is, because she is always with other people. Usually some really annoy me, so I can't really be around it all.

There are a few things that I am looking forward to though. Saturday is the Phi Mu picnic, where I will get to see my Big and other Phi Mus I miss. Sunday will be Church with Eric and Sylvia and then Burger King afterwards, always a good fun time. Monday Sylvia and I get to spend the whole day together driving to Virginia to pick up two cats, that will fun. And of course, in 22 days I will be back in college in my own room in our suite where I can be around people all the time.

That is when I will be able to be happy and have a song within my heart that I can sing <3

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

defining 'fren(d)-,ship "From friends of the heart, to friends of the moment. All can enrich our lives if we keep our expectations in line"

I have had many friends. Some of them I still see and hang out with frequently. Others I have become distant from and don't talk with as much as I used to. And some of them just weren't meant to be and we no longer speak. Friendships come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and types. Alot like ribbon actually. They both have different categories. Everyone has a group of close friends that would be categorized as the "inner circle." These are the friends you share most of your secrets with and who know almost everything about each other. It's important to have a group like this to support you and go to when you nee help. You truly are yourself around these people and you know you can trust them. They are your everything and without them you would feel lost. I know I would. It also can take a few different people to find your "inner circle". You have to make sure these are the people who make you happy and keep you happy. Although, your inner circle doesn't have to all be together, and they can also not even know each other that well. Apart from your closest friends, you have those occasional people who you know from church or school that you meet up for coffee, or go swimming, or just hang out to catch up with. Those people will usually talk to you about some things in your life, but their most private parts of their life, they usually save for their "inner circle." I am glad to have some of these people who I can still talk to and have a good time with. Another group of friends that I like to include has to do with sororites and fratenities. These people are the ones you have formed a group with and learn to disipline yourselves, as well as have a good time and take part in special rituals. These are the people you will have an opportunity to have a forever bond with and share memories about your days being Greek. Within this group is your what I like to call "fambly." These are you people withing your Greek tree. Your Big, Little, Grand Big, Grand Little, Twin, etc. These are the people who you spend time with and probably go to in times of need. I know that I really rely on my "fambly." They are my everything and my Big is my life. Phi Mu is my everything and because of it I got my "fambly." Throughout my life I have dealt with many friendships. Some are still alive and thriving. Others it was time to say good bye. And some I still keep in touch with, but dont't have that bond we used to. Regardless, I am very happy with my life and friendships I have now, and love every minute of it. <3

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2