Saturday, April 6, 2013

"I feel like I have a new life and I'm going to take full advantage of it."

A year ago I had nothing.

I had just dropped out of college. I didn't really have a job, except for my Monday night shift. I wasn't going to church every Sunday. I didn't really see my friends much and that didn't help with my recent diagnosis of depression. I wanted to get away from home as much as possible so I just went to Ashland almost every weekend to get away from everything. This took a toll on my money, health, and also myself. I wasn't really happy and I used Ashland to try to escape. But the truth was that I just didn't want to grow up.

One year later I feel like I have everything.
I have a steady job that helps me pay for my wonderful car and gives me the opportunity to tithe at church. I go to church regularly and enjoy every part of it. I have amazing friends that I trust and enjoy spending time with. I have a loving family that accepts me and takes care of me. And the most wonderful improvement in my life is that I'm with my wonderful boyfriend who cares about me more than I could ever imagine. He's helped me in so many ways, like helping to bring my family closer together and helping me to be a better me. I am so blessed to have him in my life and I can't imagine not being with him.

I think I'm closer than ever to growing up. It's always been major fear of mine. But with the help of my loving family, friends, and boyfriend I feel like I can and I look forward to it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Till The End I will be with You. You will Always be my Best Friends.

I want to take a moment of my time (since I'm waiting on my route to print at work) to share with the world some things on my mind. Mainly my friends. I have many friends who I can talk to, but I have a few (or more than a few) extra special ones I am particularly close to. I have friends that I have known forever, and friends I have known no more than a few years. You would think that the people I've known all my life I would be the closest to, but in reality, I have developed the strongest bonds with the friends that I haven't known as long.

I've known one of my best friends forever, but we aren't as close as we used to be. We don't see each other as often as I would like to, but even so, we can still text each other and immediately pick up from the last time we talked. I've accepted that she has a close group of friends that she enjoys to hang out with and that one person probably isn't as much fun as a group of people. So I continue to talk to her when the time comes, and even if she doesn't feel like an important part of my life, I hope that she knows she is. She's one of the people I would come to if she was in need and if I were to get married, I would invite her to my wedding. She will always be my very first best friend, and has been for nearly 20 years.

Now the friends I've only known for about 3 or 4 years, they are some of my closest friends that I can talk with about pretty much anything. The funny thing is that they are all from my rival high school. We met in our church's youth group and ever since then we've been particularly close. We try to be there for each other whenever we can and can always tell when something is wrong with each other. We're also supportive of each other in all that we do. We also sit with each other every Sunday at church, and get together every Thursday for a Bible study with some other people from the church about our age. If we don't have Bible study that night, then we use the time in that evening to hang out at the local coffee shop. We also go out to dinner and a movie every so often. It's nice to be able to unwind from the week and just have a good time and talk about life with each other in a close and trusting circle of friends. I wouldn't trade these people for the world, and they are the ones I would want to be with me if I were to get married. They are my extended family.

Now being in a sorority, I have many people who stand out as some of my closest friends. There are a few in particular that I would like to highlight in my life. These people are all super nice, friendly, and helpful to me and others when we are in a state of depression or when I just need someone to talk to. They talk to me about their lives and we discuss our favorite TV show and fangirl about it. They come talk to me if I am in a bad situation with another person whom they are also very close to. And, they give me a place to visit if I need to get away. My sorority sisters are like another kind of extended family that is slightly different than my close friends, but no less important. I've been through so many things with these girls and whether they were good or bad, I wouldn't have missed being there with them for the world.

There is also a certain sorority sister who I am particularly close to, as we have been to hell and back with each other. It wasn't the most expected or typical relationship, but it was meant to be. We have been close since the first time I stalked her and hung out in her room till like 3am every night. We have been thorough one of the toughest times we may ever come across in her life, but in the end everything was as it should be. We may drive each other up the wall and have fights about things that end up just being misunderstandings, after we finally talk about them, but that doesn't compare to how much we care about each other.I never want to lose her, or our relationship as sisters and friends. I honestly can't imagine my life without this person because she is my mentor, my friend, my sister, my caretaker, my role model, and most importantly, she's my Big,

Each one of these people have touched my life in a different way, and I hope they all know that they are loved and cherished by myself. They are some of the best people in the world and if you don't know them personally like I do, then you are missing out on something pretty amazing.

~Amanda <3 <3

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Is this how it's supposed to feel? Am I crazy?

They say that a crush in school is just a crush and won't matter. What happens when a crush lasts a few years? And now you are an adult and no longer that teenager who thinks they are in love, but knows it? Is it wrong for it to kill you inside when you aren't near them or haven't seen them in a week or so? I thought this kind of thing only happened when someone had been together with someone else. But what if you've never been closer than friends? It doesn't feel right to even think about being in love. It feels like it shouldn't happen and that it's silly. Am I crazy? In love? Our just completely insane? Why did I have to fall one of my best friends? <3

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dressing Up and Thinking Back

I just finished cleaning my room and took a bath. I have my sorority's formal this weekend and I was trying to figure out what shoes I wanted to wear. So I put my dress on to see what shoes looked best with it. It is purple with sequins on the top, then a big purple bow wrapped around the middle, and all the way down a colorful silky animal print covered with purple tulle.

As I was admiring the dress, I couldn't help but take a trip down memory lane. Specifically my junior and senior proms. Those were two of my favorite nights ever.

My junior prom, I had this strapless sparkly aqua dress. I wanted it to be simple and not too flashy. Not long after, I started talking to this guy. One day I decided to ask him to prom, and he said yes. Now I had never dated anyone, let alone had a date for a dance, so this was pretty exciting for me. The day came and I got ready. I had never done my hair and make up so nice before and it turned out great. That night we danced and danced and talked alot too. My first dance with a guy and the night was great.

Senior year I didn't really care if I had a date, but for some reason, a week before prom, I decided to ask the same guy if he wanted to go. Even though it was short notice, he still said yes. I had still really liked him, so I was really looking forward to it. The day came and I got ready and put on my black and white mermaid style dress. It had black flowers and had an off the shoulder top. Then off we went and it was even better than the previous year. We danced and danced and talked later with friends at a park until 4am. After that night, I didn't have a curfew anymore.

As I thought about those 2 nights, I couldn't help but remember that guy and how he was so nice and held me so gently while we danced. He was one of my best friends. My first crush. My only crush....and he still is. It's embarrassing to me that this has been going on for 3 years now. Since March 27, 2009. It's sad that I still know the date that I first started liking him. But even though I have these feelings, I continue to be supportive and the best friend that I can be to him.

I keep thinking about how much I want him to be there and be the one who dances with me and holds me like he did in high school. I honestly have never had eyes for anyone else and don't know if I ever will. Just being in this dress and thinking about my teenage years, I have to say that I miss them and I would do anything to show him how much I care and that he can believe in love <3

Monday, March 26, 2012

Once Upon a Time....

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was like any other little girl. She liked playing pretend, coloring and drawing, and using her imagination. But she didn't have any friends. Her "best friend" would say that they should play together, and they did a few times, but if something better came up she went to that instead. This left the poor little girl sad and alone. With no one to really call her a friend, she mostly played with her sister. But it is difficult to see someone everyday and not get into a arguments or fights with them, so when the annoyances would build up enough, they would have to be apart from each other for a little while. 

The little girl was left out of the lunch table in the cafeteria, and with nowhere else to go she would just sit with the teacher who was on duty and the special needs kids. This was okay once she got used to it, but when it would be time for recess, she would do solo activities, such as swinging and playing on the playground. Because the little girl didn't play with the other kids, she was left out of social events like birthday parties and other play dates. 

She thought that something was wrong with her and that she didn't fit in with anyone else. As she grew up, she hoped that things would get better and she would have friends that would appreciate and accept her for who she was....

This little girl was me. I've been thinking about why I always have a need to be around people and why I like meeting new people and making friends and such. It's because I didn't have this experience in my childhood. I was lonely and didn't have any true friends. Once I actually did have real friends, I became so attached to them that I did everything I could to keep them from leaving. I always wanted to have someone to talk to and never wanted to feel "alone" again. Once I would get really close with someone and be able to talk to them about anything, I would kind of latch myself onto them and never want them to leave.

I've had a few different experiences with friends. I've had the friends who aren't really your friends, the friends that stab you in the back, the ones who decide they want to cut you out of their life forever, and the ones that you've gone back to so many times that you finally give up on them.

But I've also been blessed with friends that accept me for who I am, who I can't seem to stay mad at no matter what has happened between us, and the ones who I can't imagine my life without, These are the friends who I have grown the closest to as well as making me feel like I am never alone. I love them and want to continue to grow closer and be able to be there for them anyway I can.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Just a Post.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. I know it's depression, but from what? The last time I ate an actual meal was Monday, but I haven't felt hungry. I just want to know what's making me so unhappy. If there's one thing I can't stand, besides my friends being unhappy, it's me being unhappy. Because I'm selfish like that. I'm also probably dehydrated. So that's another problem. I don't know what my life is anymore. I feel like nothing is ever going to make sense and work out. I don't know. I just don't know.

Monday, December 26, 2011

I can't Sleep. There are too many thoughts going around in my head.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the rut of not knowing what to do.

I got the letter I had been dreading from school the other day. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. The thing was that about a year ago i didn't expect it to happen. But toward the end of last semester I knew what was happening. And I ran. I ran from everything. Everyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I was failing. Nor did I want anyone else to. And I got so worn down that I just stopped caring, to the point of giving up.

The thing that I'm most annoyed with is about my Big.

And it's my fault. I have asked her for so much help with school, but in the end I just gave up. We even got into a huge fight that almost split us up, but in the end we were able to fix things. I'm grateful for that, but now that I look back on it I just get more disappointed with myself. Big, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about what happened between us because of me. I know I've said that before, but now that I'm looking back at everything I felt like it needed said. I should have appreciated your help more and in reality, I should've just realized the situation earlier and taken care of things so that I could've fixed this problem. But we all know how stubborn I am.

Now that I'm taking a break from school I have time to think about what I really want to do. Honestly, I don't see myself going back. I hate school. I should have been focusing on learning at school. Instead I found people who have changed my life. These people have also made me realize that I don't know who I am. I may know a little bit about myself, but I don't know my purpose. And I wasn't going to find that out at school. So if I don't find it out there, where will I? "When will my life begin?"

Okay. I've been watching Tangled too much, but honestly the quote fits.