Monday, December 26, 2011

I can't Sleep. There are too many thoughts going around in my head.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the rut of not knowing what to do.

I got the letter I had been dreading from school the other day. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. The thing was that about a year ago i didn't expect it to happen. But toward the end of last semester I knew what was happening. And I ran. I ran from everything. Everyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I was failing. Nor did I want anyone else to. And I got so worn down that I just stopped caring, to the point of giving up.

The thing that I'm most annoyed with is about my Big.

And it's my fault. I have asked her for so much help with school, but in the end I just gave up. We even got into a huge fight that almost split us up, but in the end we were able to fix things. I'm grateful for that, but now that I look back on it I just get more disappointed with myself. Big, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about what happened between us because of me. I know I've said that before, but now that I'm looking back at everything I felt like it needed said. I should have appreciated your help more and in reality, I should've just realized the situation earlier and taken care of things so that I could've fixed this problem. But we all know how stubborn I am.

Now that I'm taking a break from school I have time to think about what I really want to do. Honestly, I don't see myself going back. I hate school. I should have been focusing on learning at school. Instead I found people who have changed my life. These people have also made me realize that I don't know who I am. I may know a little bit about myself, but I don't know my purpose. And I wasn't going to find that out at school. So if I don't find it out there, where will I? "When will my life begin?"

Okay. I've been watching Tangled too much, but honestly the quote fits.

Monday, December 19, 2011


I hate everything right now.

I'm not smiling.

I'm not with my Big, Best Friend, or Grandbig right now.

I got a piece of glass stuck in my foot.

I can't find my meds.

All I want to do is lay in bed.

And Cry.

And listen to Doomsday.

I don't want to talk to people.

The love of my life doesn't love me.

I am listening to my "depressing" music.

I'm crying for no reason.

I'm eating large amounts of chocolate.

I'm freezing.

My internet won't work.

I have to find a job.

I have to be an adult.

I am probably going to quit school.

I've lost touch with who I am.

I'm distant from my faith.

I'm depressed.

I don't seem to care.

My room is a disaster.

I never get to see my friends.

I feel inferior to my sisters.

Who am I?

Friday, December 2, 2011


Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering.
It's not enough to save the day.
I can't escape my nightmares.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like whatever I'm doing isn't right. Last night I was thinking about where my home is. I don't feel like it's where I grew up. I don't talk to anyone I graduated with and don't feel like I used to when I walk into my old school. I thought my home was here in Ashland, but how can it be if I am not striving to do everything possible to stay? I'm taking a break next semester, but to me it isn't only a break to straighten out my medications and rest and make some money. I am also using it to figure out what I want to do.

I also felt like my home was Phi Mu. Every experience I have had with my sorority has been amazing and life changing. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. If it was bad, I learned from it. If it was good, I cherished it. But how can this truly be my home if I'm not doing everything in my power to stay? Leaving school means leaving my sorority. I can't participate in things with them or go to meetings.

Lately I have been questioning EVERYTHING. I want to be a teacher, but I don't feel like I have the dedication to be one. Sometimes I feel like all I really want is to work with kids. But I really want to complete college and not just give up on my dream. I also question what I were to do if I didn't stay in college. I'd have to get a job. Where would I work? Would I ever be able to move out of my house? Get my own place? Get married? Have kids? Start a new life? What if I stayed in school? My grades would probably continue to suffer. Would I get kicked out? Would I never get to come back? What about the people I care about? If I don't see them as much will they forget about me? Will my friends back home give up on me? My other ones did, why shouldn't they?

See? This is what I'm dealing with. I am constantly freaking out and asking myself and anyone who is around me these questions. It's gotten to the point where I am shaking and can't sleep. All of this insomniac behavior has not been helping either.

I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I just want to find the place that I can call home. The place I would go to the end of the Earth for. <3