I can't Sleep. There are too many thoughts going around in my head.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the rut of not knowing what to do.

I got the letter I had been dreading from school the other day. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. The thing was that about a year ago i didn't expect it to happen. But toward the end of last semester I knew what was happening. And I ran. I ran from everything. Everyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I was failing. Nor did I want anyone else to. And I got so worn down that I just stopped caring, to the point of giving up.

The thing that I'm most annoyed with is about my Big.

And it's my fault. I have asked her for so much help with school, but in the end I just gave up. We even got into a huge fight that almost split us up, but in the end we were able to fix things. I'm grateful for that, but now that I look back on it I just get more disappointed with myself. Big, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about what happened between us because of me. I know I've said that before, but now that I'm looking back at everything I felt like it needed said. I should have appreciated your help more and in reality, I should've just realized the situation earlier and taken care of things so that I could've fixed this problem. But we all know how stubborn I am.

Now that I'm taking a break from school I have time to think about what I really want to do. Honestly, I don't see myself going back. I hate school. I should have been focusing on learning at school. Instead I found people who have changed my life. These people have also made me realize that I don't know who I am. I may know a little bit about myself, but I don't know my purpose. And I wasn't going to find that out at school. So if I don't find it out there, where will I? "When will my life begin?"

Okay. I've been watching Tangled too much, but honestly the quote fits.

Fhkjurewdfhmhfsdfhhtethkutewryioutewtjlutetjlkyetjtewtjteyjur.

I hate everything right now.

I'm not smiling.

I'm not with my Big, Best Friend, or Grandbig right now.

I got a piece of glass stuck in my foot.

I can't find my meds.

All I want to do is lay in bed.

And Cry.

And listen to Doomsday.

I don't want to talk to people.

The love of my life doesn't love me.

I am listening to my "depressing" music.

I'm crying for no reason.

I'm eating large amounts of chocolate.

I'm freezing.

My internet won't work.

I have to find a job.

I have to be an adult.

I am probably going to quit school.

I've lost touch with who I am.

I'm distant from my faith.

I'm depressed.

I don't seem to care.

My room is a disaster.

I never get to see my friends.

I feel inferior to my sisters.

Who am I?

Nightmares

Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering.
It's not enough to save the day.
I can't escape my nightmares.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like whatever I'm doing isn't right. Last night I was thinking about where my home is. I don't feel like it's where I grew up. I don't talk to anyone I graduated with and don't feel like I used to when I walk into my old school. I thought my home was here in Ashland, but how can it be if I am not striving to do everything possible to stay? I'm taking a break next semester, but to me it isn't only a break to straighten out my medications and rest and make some money. I am also using it to figure out what I want to do.

I also felt like my home was Phi Mu. Every experience I have had with my sorority has been amazing and life changing. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. If it was bad, I learned from it. If it was good, I cherished it. But how can this truly be my home if I'm not doing everything in my power to stay? Leaving school means leaving my sorority. I can't participate in things with them or go to meetings.

Lately I have been questioning EVERYTHING. I want to be a teacher, but I don't feel like I have the dedication to be one. Sometimes I feel like all I really want is to work with kids. But I really want to complete college and not just give up on my dream. I also question what I were to do if I didn't stay in college. I'd have to get a job. Where would I work? Would I ever be able to move out of my house? Get my own place? Get married? Have kids? Start a new life? What if I stayed in school? My grades would probably continue to suffer. Would I get kicked out? Would I never get to come back? What about the people I care about? If I don't see them as much will they forget about me? Will my friends back home give up on me? My other ones did, why shouldn't they?

See? This is what I'm dealing with. I am constantly freaking out and asking myself and anyone who is around me these questions. It's gotten to the point where I am shaking and can't sleep. All of this insomniac behavior has not been helping either.

I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I just want to find the place that I can call home. The place I would go to the end of the Earth for. <3

Wibely Wobbly, Timey Whimey Stuff

Wow. I haven't blogged in awhile. So here goes....

New Blog Layout, which means I have developed another obsession. This time it is Doctor Who. Props to my Grand Big Michelle Daymon and one of my Best Friends Eric Schlabach for introducing me to it. You should watch it too if you haven't. Especially if you like geeking out over dorky men like David Tennant as well as others, science, epicness, being made fun of for being a geek, time travel, pin striped suits, trench coats, amazing hair, and so on and so forth. Basically, it is cool and awesome, and you should watch it.

So this shows how much of a geek I have become....the colors in my blog reflect David Tennant's outfits on Doctor Who. The light blue is the pin stripe, brown for the trench coat, burgundy for his shoes, and dark blue for his other suit. Yeah....

So enough about Doctor Who (for now....even though it is amazing) and onto my life.

Actually, I am mostly going to incorporate Doctor Who in this part too because I am going to talk about Chameleon Circuit's songs. Chameleon Circuit is a band the plays songs about Doctor Who. Isn't that magnificent? It's called Time Lord Rock. I love how it has its own genre. Win.

So about the songs....I have some favorites, they are An Awful lot of Running to Do, Nightmares, Blink, and Teenage Rebel. Though these songs are about Doctor Who, I can find places in my life that relate to them.

I feel like An Awful lot of Running to Do is pretty obvious, but I will still talk about it.

"It's completely terrifying but it's so so exciting
He said I was brilliant and I could change the world
So many places I've been; there's so much more to see
We've got galaxies and planets and moons
And an awful lot of running to do"

It depends on why you are running, but either way it is probably either terrifying, or exciting. It can also be both. We all feel like we are running from something, or with something. Personally, I am running from something, and have been for years. It's nothing dangerous in the sense, but it does affect me. It's the kind of thing that you know needs to happen, or you desperately want it to, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Sometimes you get those little bits of false hope, and you think at that moment that everything is going to change, and that everything you want is running towards you, but then it passes you and you're left running away from what you thought was running to you.

So don't blink
I said, don't blink
Just look directly at them
And they'll stay where they are
I think they're crying anyway
They can't mean no harm
my eyes are watering
I'm right on the brink
I'm sure nothing would happen
If I were to-"

Don't Blink. Blink and you're dead. Well not really. This song is referring to a few episodes where there is a circumstance that requires them not to blink because of something that can move so fast while you aren't looking at them. However, in this case, "Blink and you are dead" should instead say "Blink and you''ll miss it". Hold onto what you value most, because time is always moving. If you go through it too fast then you aren't able to enjoy it and it just slips right past you. My point is that you shouldn't let life pass you by too fast. One moment you are having the time of your life, and then before you know it, it's gone. In the blink of an eye.

"Hey old man
Rest your head
You're breaking down inside
Armour's cracked, set to collapse
Damn you, don't you cry
I've ended lives
And ended worlds
I guess I've done it all
Fire and ice
And rage inside
How long until I fall?

Somewhere all my darkest fears
Are gathering
It's not enough to
Save the day
I can't escape my nightmares

Dreams have shown me
Who I am
A danger to myself

Trickster feared
Far from revered,
So I must fear as well
Words and laughter's
Wearing thin,
Breaking this disguise
Where do (the) Angels
Fear to tread?
How can I think to hide?"

This one has been in my head alot. I'm not normally the type of person who is drawn to the darker songs, but this one always strikes a chord with me. Specifically the part that says

"Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering. It's not enough to save the day. I can't escape my nightmares". Nightmares. We are all haunted by them. Whether we allow them to affect us or not is the real thing we need to worry about. It's that feeling when everything you don't want to happen, happens. Instantaneously. It makes you feel like your world is falling apart and there isn't anything you can do about it. But then you have to remember the good things you have. The friends that truly matter in your life because you know they care about you, the good times you had with old friends, your family, and yourself and all the wonderful things you have accomplished. If you take some time to appreciate the little things in life, soon they will out number the bad ones.

"I've got so many different faces, So many different personalities, My taste and gygat cravings, Are some things you can't take away from me You can't stop me dreaming. I used to be old, But now I feel young, Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run, I could never be settled in one time or place, I won't ever stop, Cause I know what's right, Get in my way, I will burst into light I'll keep dying and living and changing my ways, But I was a teenage rebel, and that stayed the same. It might feel like you're defeated, But I know that we all long to be set free, So overcome your monsters, Rise up, there is just one thing you need. Something to believe in."

This one is similar to "Nightmares", but it is the solution to those worries. People can't stop you from dreaming, because those are your dreams. No matter how unrealistic they may seem, or how silly other people may think they are, they are yours and nothing can take them away from you. Be a rebel of reality, and dream.

And in conclusion, here is my favorite picture of David Tennant ever. We all need to see the humorous side of life and have fun with it like him. I mean come on, look at him. He's sitting in a wardrobe drinking tea. <3

Insert Post Title Here.

David Tennant. That is all.

"It's Not Aways Black and White, but Your Heart Always Knows What's Right"

You are black, I am white.

You are the darkness, I am the light.

 You fall down, but I pick you up.

If you had wound, I'd patch it up.

You are fire, I am water.

If you were a father, I'd be the mother.

If you go one way, I wont go the other.

The two of us are close, two birds of a feather.

When times get tough, I'll hold your hand.

I've been there with you, I understand.

If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you.

And I would already know, You'd pick me to.

 But it appears there's another, one who thinks they'll set you free.

Yet you seemed to be blinded, by the darkness you see.

This one is cold, but colder than me.

For the heart of theirs, is quite icy.

 Ice can't calm a fire, let alone tame it.

But water can control it, while keeping its flame lit.

 Darkness trying to light darkness, it a bad combination.

But light can cure darkness, and bring illumination.

If you could only see this, and weren't blinded by this "love".

Then you to could be like me, free as a dove.

So open your eyes, and before you think you're through.

I've been there this whole time, right next to you.

It doesn't matter, how hard you try to remove me.

I think you will agree, that I'm the one that will set you free.

Me.

 <3

Give Me Something to Sing About <3

They say if you are feeling down you should either spend some time by yourself and reflect on your life, or talk to someone you trust about it. Well me being a people person, it was natural for me to want to talk with someone. That's hard when the people you want to talk to can't be with you or don't have time, but even worse when the only people you can talk to just make you feel worse. The people I want to talk to are either currently quite a distance from me, have strict parents who make sure they are home early, and those who are so busy they don't always have time to talk. Well that was my situation last night. My Big, Susie, and Kate all live almost 2 hours away and when my Big was trying to send me things over the internet to keep me occupied, my internet failed me and i have to wait until I'm somewhere with decent internet again. I got to see Sylvia a little bit last night when she was done with work, but her mom called her and made her go home at 8. Then there are the people who are always busy. Leigh has a good job now and has to work many evenings, so she can't do anything till around 11 at night. Eric has a very time consuming job where sometimes he has to get up really early, and then has to work in the evenings, so he goes to bed early.

There are few times I get to see my friends, but those are some of the best. I usually see Sylvia and Eric at Chuch on Sunday and sometimes we hang out afterwards. Those times are always interesting. And when we go back to college, I will be able to see my Big and Susie everyday if I can. However, I rarely get to see Kate because she isn't at school anymore, and Leigh, at least just by herself that is, because she is always with other people. Usually some really annoy me, so I can't really be around it all.

There are a few things that I am looking forward to though. Saturday is the Phi Mu picnic, where I will get to see my Big and other Phi Mus I miss. Sunday will be Church with Eric and Sylvia and then Burger King afterwards, always a good fun time. Monday Sylvia and I get to spend the whole day together driving to Virginia to pick up two cats, that will fun. And of course, in 22 days I will be back in college in my own room in our suite where I can be around people all the time.

That is when I will be able to be happy and have a song within my heart that I can sing <3

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defining 'fren(d)-,ship "From friends of the heart, to friends of the moment. All can enrich our lives if we keep our expectations in line"

I have had many friends. Some of them I still see and hang out with frequently. Others I have become distant from and don't talk with as much as I used to. And some of them just weren't meant to be and we no longer speak. Friendships come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and types. Alot like ribbon actually. They both have different categories. Everyone has a group of close friends that would be categorized as the "inner circle." These are the friends you share most of your secrets with and who know almost everything about each other. It's important to have a group like this to support you and go to when you nee help. You truly are yourself around these people and you know you can trust them. They are your everything and without them you would feel lost. I know I would. It also can take a few different people to find your "inner circle". You have to make sure these are the people who make you happy and keep you happy. Although, your inner circle doesn't have to all be together, and they can also not even know each other that well. Apart from your closest friends, you have those occasional people who you know from church or school that you meet up for coffee, or go swimming, or just hang out to catch up with. Those people will usually talk to you about some things in your life, but their most private parts of their life, they usually save for their "inner circle." I am glad to have some of these people who I can still talk to and have a good time with. Another group of friends that I like to include has to do with sororites and fratenities. These people are the ones you have formed a group with and learn to disipline yourselves, as well as have a good time and take part in special rituals. These are the people you will have an opportunity to have a forever bond with and share memories about your days being Greek. Within this group is your what I like to call "fambly." These are you people withing your Greek tree. Your Big, Little, Grand Big, Grand Little, Twin, etc. These are the people who you spend time with and probably go to in times of need. I know that I really rely on my "fambly." They are my everything and my Big is my life. Phi Mu is my everything and because of it I got my "fambly." Throughout my life I have dealt with many friendships. Some are still alive and thriving. Others it was time to say good bye. And some I still keep in touch with, but dont't have that bond we used to. Regardless, I am very happy with my life and friendships I have now, and love every minute of it. <3

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"From the outside looking in you don't understand it. From the inside looking out you can't explain it."

September 18th, 2010.

I never expected for my life to be changed that morning.

I remember the whole day so clearly. I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door. It was my dad. He was with my sister on a tour of Kem. The tour guide asked if she could show my room to the visitors and I let her. Later I met with my dad who was finished with the parent visitation and waiting on my sister. We were at the top of the steps to the student center, and meanwhile, the sororities and fraternities were in the process of what they call "Bid Day". 

Bid Day is known as one of the most hectic, exhausting, and yet exciting days for people who are Greek. Basically, it is the day they welcome new members to their families. Obviously an exciting event. No wonder everyone was running around. 

I was thinking to myself, wondering what sorority i might have been in if i had gone through recruitment. Would i be a Delta Zeta? An Alpha Delta Pi? An Alpha Phi? A Phi Mu? I didnt really know. The only one I knew anything about was Phi Mu. But then again, all I knew was that their signature color was pink.....so that didnt amount to much. Still. I wondered. So my dad, sister, and I went to lunch. While we were there we saw all of the Greek groups welcoming their new members with a big lunch and t shirts. I again questioned who I would fit in best with, if I did at all....

Later that day I was getting ready for the football game, and I was dressed in my best purple attire.

First my RA knocked on my door to ask me something, then my friend came over and asked me what time I wanted to leave. Then I heard another knock. Mind you, this was the fourth one that day....

I opened the door and saw a group of girls, they asked if they could come in, and then handed me an envelope. I opened it and gave a surprising look. It was a bid! I looked at the girls and said "Really?" And they said yes! They asked if I needed time to think about it, and I said "I've don't need to think about it." They looked like they were upset and disappointed. Then I said "Okay!" I guess I scared them a little. Haha. But after that, I was a Phi Mu.

Later that night, I went to the 4th Floor where I met some new people and played an amazing game of Quelf. I stayed with these girls until 3 am. It was one of the greatest nights ever!

Because of Phi Mu, I met some of the most amazing people in my life. All of you who are past and present Phi Mus, I am so glad I met you. I am so glad to have spent so much time getting to know you and grow closer. We've been through some good times, some bad times, and of course some pretty epic times.

And to think, I said yes, and all I knew was that "Our Signature Color is Pink". I never thought I would be making one of the best decisions for my life. And to think, I said yes. I said yes because I wanted friends on campus, but instead, I got a whole lot more <3

"The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away."

I recently lost 3 friends who I thought were very dear to me. Sure we had some good times, some good talks, and some laughs along the way, but something honestly felt "not right". There was a part of me that told myself, "why do I not feel happy when I am with these people?"
It turns out, that I was right. Or rather I didn't see it until they actually showed me. It was kind of rude the way they did it, but it was absolutely necessary.

About the end of the school year, I started to accept what was going on. According to them, they said it had been going on since at least the new year. At that time, I thought things were going great. I had friends I could talk to about anything, people who would hang out with me, and people to look forward to seeing when I came home.

Until.

They started becoming closer with other people, closer to each other, and more distant from me. I felt like maybe they wanted some space, so I started texting them less often. Then I made plans for us all to go out for my birthday, and there was some dispute about driving arrangements. That went on for about a week, and later before the party, we made up. February came, and the party went great and I thought things were great.

Until April. when I finally got my birthday gift. April.

It was a cat doll and some notes from them. I thought they were nice, and I was going to thank the other two, because they couldn't be there that night, in person the next time I saw them.
Before I could see them I got an angry text about not being thanked for the gift.

Then there was more arguing and I left it at that. Two of them decided to visit me, and ending up chewing me out about how I never talked to them anymore, and they didn't want to visit me, and they never liked the idea of a sorority
in the first place.

That kind of hit me hard.

I love my sorority. They are one of the greatest choices that I have made in my life. I love them, and if they didn't
understand, then whatever to them.

They de friended me from facebook and never said anything after that. Even though I called and left them messages and sent them texts. Nothing.

So I decided to move on. But before I could, I thought of everything I had wasted on them. Money, time, secrets. I regretted everything I had done with them, and cleared my Facebook of their pictures. I was done.

Then a few days later, something awesome happened.

My best friend came to my sister's graduation party, but she brought two of my old friends that I had left about a year ago. At first I was a little uneasy because I hadn't talked to them for so long. But after seeing them, talking, and hanging out with them the rest of the day, I realized that I had made a huge mistake in giving them up for people who just "used" me. I apologize to them and glad that they have accepted me back. <3

“Life is my college, my sisters are my heart"

I have never felt so at home. I have people who will spend time with me, people who will drop everything and run to me when I'm in trouble, and people who accept me. It's college, more importantly Phi Mu. They are my everything.

And now, I've done it. I've finished my first year of college. It feels too soon. I don't want to leave. I've grown so attached to this place. I actually went and took a walk last night because I wanted to see everything before I left.

But wait.

I'm not leaving for good. I'm not graduating like some of the other people I know.

So why do I feel this way?

It's because I feel at home here, on this campus, that I don't want to leave. I feel like I am Home. 


But....

Shouldn't home be where you are with your friends and family? I feel bad saying that I feel more comfortable here rather than at home with my real family. But how can I avoid the truth?

People say you are happiest at home, and right here, I feel the happiest I've been in a long time. I've met so many people who have had such an impact on my life.

And now I don't want to leave them.

I know I will see them again, but I can't shake this feeling.

As I sit in my Big's room on "my" bed, I look around and watch her pack up her belongings. Memories of the two of us, and others as well, that I won't get to see for awhile. And as I watch her pack neatly into a box some of the pictures I've colored her, door decs I have made, and pictures of us, I think of the times I spent in her room before I was an initiated member. The times when I wasn't yet part of her family.

Looking back, I question myself as to why she continually let me visit her room and stay so long.

Was it because she knew that I was going to become a part of her family?

Was it because she couldn't be mean to me because I was still only a Phi?

Maybe.

But I believe that it was because her and I connected on a special level.

Not like a best friend. Also a sister. Partially mother-daughter like. But also a mix between all of them. I call our relationship "Love" Because we are always there for each other, spend alot of time for each other, and can be there in a instant if we suspect something is wrong with the other.

I love everyone I have met here. And we will always be together because of Phi Mu.

<3

Sprint

I have recently become addicted to yet another Anime. This one is Ouran High School Host Club. I absolutely love it! It is very good if you need a pick me up during the day. I absolutely love it! All of my ringtones are Ouran related.

One Song in particular I have been focusing on alot. It's called Sprint. The First part is actually the video, the extended part is revealed in the last Anime episode towards the end.

I run and run a thousand miles, and I am barely breathing.
Only the fuel of a passionate heart keeps this body strong and moving forward.
Could it be I found a place to rest? How far until I'm OK?
Trees of the town reveal the time has come once again to shift our shade and colors.

The world always changes around us but weakness will always remain;
Through all the pain, believe in who we are right here and now!

Raise one hand to the sky; raise them both lift them high!!
And you'll cut through the darkness make it go!
The time to start is now! And I can show you how.
Start with me, and the world will be even bigger than ever before.

The road that's gonna take me home tonight is just the same as always^
Led by the brink up all the way of the flicker from the streetlamps fading.

The town's falling down all around me, yields to a breeze I felt before,
and now I'm sure it's blowing at my back and guiding me.

In my heart will be where I will keep this despair
'Till the tears all dry up and finally stop!
No goal has been found but we're not turning around;
I'm tearing through that old wind I knew, running and not slowing down.

Those bitter days are calling for you and me to love.
Do you not want to open no more strings and bonds that hold our dreams?

You can choose to go first, you can choose to go last;
Just as long as you move, you'll be OK,
And we'll still let you go, and you can bet I know
That where and how that is learnt 'til now is leading each step of the way.
This song is what has been getting me through alot lately. I can find a way to connect each part with something in my life <3

this picture is just too adorable! :D

"When One door Closes Another One Opens...."

It happened again.

I got in yet ANOTHER fight with my "friends".

Why do I keep doing this?

I don't think I can much longer.

But I know I can get through this.

I have someone to help guide me. Someone who has always watched out for me, whether I knew it or not....

Thank you. <3

"What is a true friend?"

Why?

Why do I tolerate you?

Why do I put up with you?

Why I give you everything, but get minimal in return?

I don't know.

Do you?

Fighting with my friends has become a very recent thing. I am not happy with it, but it continues to happen. Everyone say that things will be better once I see them again in the Summer when I am free again. But that won't happen anyway. They are always busy. Whether it is work, family, or groups/organizations I am not part of.

I don't understand why I continue to tolerate this.

When I think of the word friendship, I imagine people hanging out together and not always using technology unless they are showing something to everyone. 

I feel like if you feel you need to talk to someone else while you are hanging out with a group of people, then you aren't really giving that group your full attention. 

Isn't that one of the reasons friends hang out? To get away from something, someone, some group? 

Not to talk to someone else while doing so.

When I am with one group of friends I feel the need to talk to some of the people in the other group. But, when I am with the other group, I don't feel the need to. Because they are already there and we are having such a good time, that no one else is trying to talk to other people as well. This group of mine, I cherish greatly. We never seem to get in any confrontations, and we are always there for each other. 

I don't understand why I haven't made this group of people my main group.

I would be dealing with less stress. Less drama. Less everything that I don't want.

Maybe it's time for a change....

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself"

I have this friend who has been in my life for about 2 years. The first time we actually met was one of the funnest evenings I had ever had. They were crazy, and I was crazy. A perfect combination of friends. 

Later on we grew closer and closer. We would text every free chance we had every day. We were totally in sync. Whenever they were feeling down, I was there to cheer them up when they were down. I helped them to believe in them self. But what they didn't realize is what a huge impact they had made on me.

I used to be self conscious about everything. I didn't like myself. I thought that I was weird, and annoying, and that no one other than my friends who I had forever would ever accept me. This person was new to my life and accepted me right away. 

We were to the point of being the closest friends when something happened. Someone else from my life came into theirs. I was heart broken. I had lost my newest best friend to my other best friend. I rarely talked to my new friend and being around both of them made me feel like the third wheel on a bicycle. The left out one.

Months went by and we grew to the point of not even speaking to each other. That was when I suffered the most. I didn't know what to do without my new friend. My old friend and I remained close, until one fateful day I will never forget.

Over the summer, my old best friend and I were hanging out. We were away from our phones and when we came back to them there were text messages and voice mails from the other friend and they were upset with something. Apparently they got a message from me saying I hated them. Neither of us were around to have sent it, so I wasn't sure what had happened. It turned out  that my best friend had told someone to send that text from my phone. I had no clue at the time. I had to explain to my other friend what happened during a 3 hour phone conversation with them the next day. After that, they didn't trust my best friend anymore because they lied alot to them. So that was the end of that....

Or so I thought.

It was that summer time and a bunch of us were at a house and all hanging out. My friend whom I had lost was there and they were talking with two of my close friends. They showed me a text message they got that said it was from me and said some things that I never said. We quickly figured out it was sent from the internet in my name. This caused some problems. I was done with my old best friend. I was hurt too much.

After that summer, i thought things were never going to be the same. We drifted apart, but still occasionally said hi. It just seemed so casual and we never really hung out. I just went through my senior year without them. Over the next summer, a bunch of us started hanging out again. We got together every few weeks, but that person and i still weren't very close. Before leaving for college we had a quick chat about it and then they were gone from me for awhile. I occasionally saw them when I visited home, but that was it. Now I am nearing the end of my second semester in college and it has been one of the worst ever. So much drama, school, and people. I had a very long, but thoughtful conversation with this person yesterday. They never really knew how much they meant to me. They were a HUGE part of my life. And I am glad that they now see that. But now the way they responded yesterday, I am a little bit confused. They haven't spoken to me that way since about 2 years ago. So now I want to know if we will be best friends ever again, or just friends....

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Defeating the Darkness

 <3

Today i feel very much overly stressed.

This semester has been very difficult. 

I missed a week of class due to being sick, fell behind in classes because of that, and lost someone very dear to me....

Because of missing class, I have fallen behind in alot of my classes. Because of falling behind in my classes, I ended up not doing well on my midterms. Because I didn't do well on my mid terms, I felt like I couldn't fix my grades and be successful. Because I didn't feel like I could improve my grades, I skipped class. Because I skipped class, I fell behind.

It's a vicious cycle that I can't figure out how to be released from. It is killing me on the inside and bringing down my self esteem. I am usually a very happy go lucky person, but I don't really let my inner self show sometimes. It's as though I am wearing a mask and only the people I trust are allowed to see the real me underneath it.

There were two people in particular who I let see the real me hiding behind the mask.

One of them abandoned me and cut me out of their life....

The other one has become my mentor, and one of my closest friends. They are helping me to succeed in this dark dreary cycle. Something I wish the other person had helped me fight.

Without them, I feel lost and confused. 

Was I a mistake to this person?

Did they ever really want me?

All these questions just led to more confusion, as well as a slight depression. 

As the days go by, the depression seems to grow increasingly, little by little.

Little....

That's what I wanted to be. I wanted to be the best little I could be and look up to those above me. But unfortunately, one did not see me as such....

Fortunately for me, someone else came to my rescue and took me under their wing where I was safe and warm. This person has become my mentor, as well as a role model. Even though they can't see why they are that way to me, they did something amazing for me.

They accepted me.

They Loved me.

They treated me with respect and brought out the real me.

Not the one behind the mask, but the true person who now admits that they are struggling, and they want help.

I still wear the mask sometimes, but only for a little while. I hope that day by day the mask is worn less and less, and that I can just throw it away for good.

Little by little things will change.

Little....

That is what I want to be. And I am determined to succeed. Once I can do that, I will take the next step, and have one of my own to hopefully be as good a mentor to them as mine was....is....to me

<3

Amanda

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart....

Recently I have been going through a slight depression. Someone who I had looked up to before has completely shut me out of their life. I used to admire this person, but now every little thing I see that reminds me of them makes me sad and slightly angry. To avoid this I removed everything that gave me this feeling from my sight.

Right now I don't know how to deal with this situation at the moment....

But I felt like getting my thoughts out....

<3,

Amanda

“You can gain a friend in a year but lose a friend in a minute.”

*Latios and Latias are Best Friends*
Ever since I came to college things have changed.

I was told by many people that once you graduate from high school that you won't continue being friends with your friends from high school. Or at least not as close....
Well when I left  I told myself that I wouldn't do that. I thought that I would always be as close as I was with my friends then.

Well now I am starting to see that actually happen.

Lately I have been experiencing an extremely tight bond with my friends in college, and in particular my sorority sisters. Because of them I have someone I can hang out with everyday and pretty much every hour. I have someone who I can talk to about pretty much anything. Within the two semesters I have been here I have collected so many memories, good and bad, with people I just met.

I have many memories with my friends back home as well, but I feel like none of them want to make the effort to actually come visit me. They say they will, but never actually do. This applies to many people, I am NOT targeting specific groups.

What I really want is for them to maybe plan one weekend where they can visit and just relax. They deserve a break, and I feel like I deserve some time with them away from home. Because of some activities, I cannot always go home every weekend to see them. Now it is their turn.

If any of the people I am talking about read this, I want you to know that this is not a note to attack you. I very much care about and LOVE you. I just want to stay friends, and I feel that I am drifting from you. So please take that into consideration.
Love,
Amanda <3

Spring is in the Air! @>---%---%---....but why do I feel so Cold?....

Despite the recent change in the weather, there are quite a few things that have brought me down....Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate not having to wear a coat outside, but that isn't enough to compensate for how I feel.

I have been having some issues with friendships recently. Some of these are pretty obvious, but some of them I am hiding very well. I really love ALL these people and I want them to know that, but basically they either just don't seem to care, have hurt me beyond repair, made excuses, are fine living their lives without me, or took advantage of me. There are multiple people that I am referring to, and I really don't know why I am taking all this.
Oh wait.
Yes I do.
I don't seem to care about most things that bother me and tend to ignore them. Well this doesn't seem to be working anymore now does it? I didn't think so....

Basically, I would really like for all this to stop on its own, but I know for a fact that won't happen and most people do not seem to be eager to fix things, let alone even seem to realize this pain I am going through....
I just wish things wouldn't be like this, but they are, and I can't do anything about it....
except....Talk to these people about how they are making me feel, praying, and keeping the ones who I love close to me.
as one song in this situation inspires me, "what the hell"....
maybe that could fix things. maybe....

<3 amanda

Too Eager!

So I am lying in my bed right now and currently eating some mashed potatoes. I am soooo very excited to be getting my own copy of Pokemon White Version today after Church! I have been following Pokemon since I was 6 years old, and since then I have been a huge fan! The game releases in America today and fans all over the country will be eager for their new game! I have known about this game for about a year, and have had it pre ordered since december. I should really try to get some sleep now though, so good night world!
Amanda <3

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We're Halfway There....

Well next week is our long awaited spring break! I am looking forward to playing my new Pokemon white version on this coming Sunday. I have been waiting for this game for about a year, and have had mine pre ordered since December.

Lately things have been getting better. There are still some issues to be dealt with, but those will hopefully be fixed soon. My grades are not where I want them, and my job is about to be done. I have one class that is worth only 100 points total, and they basically told me that there is no positive outcome of that class. That kinda sucks. I talked to my advisor about it, and hopefully it will be fixed. I am also currently writing a paper for my English class, except I need to read the book....

And I just now fell asleep for about 14 minutes while writing this blog post haha (and I even went to bed at 1 last night....)

Anyways, I am at the point where I am going to quit my job here in Ashland because I am to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. I will search for a job for next semester, as well as find a summer job back home.

I am also going to see a psychologist about these issues as well as some others prowling my mind. Hopefully that will help with alot of things.

Well I had better get back to working on my paper. I just had so much on my mind and I needed to get it out so I could focus.

<3
amanda :)

Oh! Happy Day!

A recent conflict between two people who I love dearly is finally settled. It just goes to show you that the only true way to resolve conflict is to talk it out with the other person you are fighting with. (Along with the prayers I had). These two people have discovered this, as well as why they discovered why their relationship didn't work the way it should have. I vam just very happy now that we can all get along and be friends, as well as finally sleep and eat decently!
Loves!
Amanda <3

Explanations of the Random Songs I have Chosen

Okay I admit most of them are from Pokemon. It just so happens that I am a pretty big fan of it. But despite it being a game, it has been the creator of alot of songs that impact my life.
So here we go....
1) Runaway-Avril Lavigne- "Forget about everything and Run Away"


2) Oracion-Pokemon Rise of Darkrai- This one doesn't have lyrics, but this song is how I came up with the design for my blog. Oracion means prayer, and everyday I pray for all the people in my life, as well as myself. The image and title are from that song. The song is also taking place during a major fight and the music when combined with an ancient tower, soothes the ones in battle. The song is the reason the beasts calmed down, just as it calms me down when I get into fights,


3) Keep Holding On-Avril Lavigne-"Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through"


4) Everything Changes-Pokemon 2Ba Master Soundtrack- This song is one of my favorites, because it carries a good message throughout the song. Here's an example "Everything changes, changes
Changing all the time, Playing with your mind. Modified or rearranged Everything has got to change." Change happens despite the fact if we want it to or not.

5) My Best Friends-Pokemon 2Ba Master Soundtrack- This song reminds me of all the best friends I have in my life. Without them, I don't know where I would be.

6) Pokemon Wild Kanto Battle-Pokemon Anime 1st Season-I feel like I hear this music when I have to make a decision, or come upon something very suddenly that whatever happens then, will have an impact on my life forever.

7)Pokemon-Pokemon Theme Song-This song isn't just about catching Pokemon, If you look at the words, it can also be an inspirational message about succeeding in life. You are the master of your wn life, and you are the only one who can complete your goals in life. Because you are your own master.

8) Together Forever-Pokemon 2Ba Master Soundtrack-Such a good song about the people who will be in my life until the end. "Together, forever no mater how long From now, until the end of time. We'll be together and you can be sure That forever and a day, that's how long we'll stay. Together and forever more"

So despite the fact that most of my songs are from Pokemon, they really are inspirational if you take the time to decipher them for yourself.

All the Time Love,

Amanda <3

Giving it a Shot

I've always wanted to try to start a blog, but I wasn't really sure what to say. I am not the best with words, but I feel like it will at least help me to get my thoughts on paper, er I mean computer.
It all started when one of my sorority sisters decided that she wasn't happy anymore. She had thought about deactivation, then just transferring, and finally deactivating. It caused conflict between her and her sorority family, and I just so happened to be the little sister (sorority wise) of this friend. She was my "Big", my role model, my inspiration for this blog really. I understand that some things are not for everyone, although I am sad to see her go. I wanted to make sure she knew that I still cared about her, despite being brought together through something she no longer wants to take part in, and forget about.

But I didn't want her to forget about me.

For some odd reason, when I deal with conflicts similar to this one, I tend to try to distract myself from the situations with other things such as my video games, you tube videos, or silly pictures from icanhazcheeseburger.com.
There are times when I feel like I have to fix things between people who are fighting about something. This is one of those situations when all you can do is talk to the people and tell them how much you love them. That's all. And another thing is to NOT blame yourself for the problem if it isn't yours. That will just make you feel worse.
Love to All,
Amanda <3