Monday, December 26, 2011

I can't Sleep. There are too many thoughts going around in my head.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the rut of not knowing what to do.

I got the letter I had been dreading from school the other day. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. The thing was that about a year ago i didn't expect it to happen. But toward the end of last semester I knew what was happening. And I ran. I ran from everything. Everyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I was failing. Nor did I want anyone else to. And I got so worn down that I just stopped caring, to the point of giving up.

The thing that I'm most annoyed with is about my Big.

And it's my fault. I have asked her for so much help with school, but in the end I just gave up. We even got into a huge fight that almost split us up, but in the end we were able to fix things. I'm grateful for that, but now that I look back on it I just get more disappointed with myself. Big, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about what happened between us because of me. I know I've said that before, but now that I'm looking back at everything I felt like it needed said. I should have appreciated your help more and in reality, I should've just realized the situation earlier and taken care of things so that I could've fixed this problem. But we all know how stubborn I am.

Now that I'm taking a break from school I have time to think about what I really want to do. Honestly, I don't see myself going back. I hate school. I should have been focusing on learning at school. Instead I found people who have changed my life. These people have also made me realize that I don't know who I am. I may know a little bit about myself, but I don't know my purpose. And I wasn't going to find that out at school. So if I don't find it out there, where will I? "When will my life begin?"

Okay. I've been watching Tangled too much, but honestly the quote fits.


  1. GL, stop beating yourself up. What happened is in the can't do anything about it now except move on and look towards a brighter future. So Ashland wasn't for you. That's fine. You're making the best decision for YOU and that's what really matters. Know that we all still love you and support you no matter what. If you ever need anything, I'm a phone call or text away...even if it's just to fangirl about David Tennant. My couch is always open if you need to get away for the weekend.

    I love you, hun. Just keep being you, and there's nothing you can do wrong <3

  2. Thank you GB. I will probably take you up on that offer when I can. I love you too< 3

  3. I second everything my Big said.

    Except the David Tennant thing. Don't call me if it's going to be about David Tennant. You may fan girl geek out about many things to me... Spike and Buffy, Rapunzel and Flynn, Ariel and Eric... Whatever. But don't call me about David Tennant.

    And now that that's out there, I do second everything my Big said. Personally, whether you're skipping class or skipping along behind me annoyingly (probably shouting something to the effect of, "Big! Big! Big! Guess what Big! Hi."), I love who you are. I love who you are, and I will love who you become, because I love you - plain and simple - and it is because I love you that I know you will be okay in the end. Little, you WILL find what you're looking for - I know you will - but don't rush things. You need to do what's right for you, and if it takes you another 20 years to find what you're looking for, then so be it. I'll be the first person (and if not the first, then a VERY close second only to, like, a husband or maybe your mother) to congratulate you when you DO find it. You are amazing and I know that, in time, you will find the you that you're looking for, and she's going to be just as amazing. I love you Little. Don't ever forget that.