<3Today i feel very much overly stressed.
This semester has been very difficult.
I missed a week of class due to being sick, fell behind in classes because of that, and lost someone very dear to me....
Because of missing class, I have fallen behind in alot of my classes. Because of falling behind in my classes, I ended up not doing well on my midterms. Because I didn't do well on my mid terms, I felt like I couldn't fix my grades and be successful. Because I didn't feel like I could improve my grades, I skipped class. Because I skipped class, I fell behind.
It's a vicious cycle that I can't figure out how to be released from. It is killing me on the inside and bringing down my self esteem. I am usually a very happy go lucky person, but I don't really let my inner self show sometimes. It's as though I am wearing a mask and only the people I trust are allowed to see the real me underneath it.
There were two people in particular who I let see the real me hiding behind the mask.
One of them abandoned me and cut me out of their life....
The other one has become my mentor, and one of my closest friends. They are helping me to succeed in this dark dreary cycle. Something I wish the other person had helped me fight.
Without them, I feel lost and confused.
Was I a mistake to this person?
Did they ever really want me?
All these questions just led to more confusion, as well as a slight depression.
As the days go by, the depression seems to grow increasingly, little by little.
Little....
That's what I wanted to be. I wanted to be the best little I could be and look up to those above me. But unfortunately, one did not see me as such....
Fortunately for me, someone else came to my rescue and took me under their wing where I was safe and warm. This person has become my mentor, as well as a role model. Even though they can't see why they are that way to me, they did something amazing for me.
They accepted me.
They Loved me.
They treated me with respect and brought out the real me.
Not the one behind the mask, but the true person who now admits that they are struggling, and they want help.
I still wear the mask sometimes, but only for a little while. I hope that day by day the mask is worn less and less, and that I can just throw it away for good.
Little by little things will change.
Little....
That is what I want to be. And I am determined to succeed. Once I can do that, I will take the next step, and have one of my own to hopefully be as good a mentor to them as mine was....is....to me
<3
Amanda
