Thursday, March 31, 2011

Defeating the Darkness


Today i feel very much overly stressed.

This semester has been very difficult. 

I missed a week of class due to being sick, fell behind in classes because of that, and lost someone very dear to me....

Because of missing class, I have fallen behind in alot of my classes. Because of falling behind in my classes, I ended up not doing well on my midterms. Because I didn't do well on my mid terms, I felt like I couldn't fix my grades and be successful. Because I didn't feel like I could improve my grades, I skipped class. Because I skipped class, I fell behind.

It's a vicious cycle that I can't figure out how to be released from. It is killing me on the inside and bringing down my self esteem. I am usually a very happy go lucky person, but I don't really let my inner self show sometimes. It's as though I am wearing a mask and only the people I trust are allowed to see the real me underneath it.

There were two people in particular who I let see the real me hiding behind the mask.

One of them abandoned me and cut me out of their life....

The other one has become my mentor, and one of my closest friends. They are helping me to succeed in this dark dreary cycle. Something I wish the other person had helped me fight.

Without them, I feel lost and confused. 

Was I a mistake to this person?

Did they ever really want me?

All these questions just led to more confusion, as well as a slight depression. 

As the days go by, the depression seems to grow increasingly, little by little.


That's what I wanted to be. I wanted to be the best little I could be and look up to those above me. But unfortunately, one did not see me as such....

Fortunately for me, someone else came to my rescue and took me under their wing where I was safe and warm. This person has become my mentor, as well as a role model. Even though they can't see why they are that way to me, they did something amazing for me.

They accepted me.
They Loved me.
They treated me with respect and brought out the real me.
Not the one behind the mask, but the true person who now admits that they are struggling, and they want help.

I still wear the mask sometimes, but only for a little while. I hope that day by day the mask is worn less and less, and that I can just throw it away for good.

Little by little things will change.


That is what I want to be. And I am determined to succeed. Once I can do that, I will take the next step, and have one of my own to hopefully be as good a mentor to them as mine me


Monday, March 28, 2011

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart....

Recently I have been going through a slight depression. Someone who I had looked up to before has completely shut me out of their life. I used to admire this person, but now every little thing I see that reminds me of them makes me sad and slightly angry. To avoid this I removed everything that gave me this feeling from my sight.

Right now I don't know how to deal with this situation at the moment....

But I felt like getting my thoughts out....


Monday, March 21, 2011

“You can gain a friend in a year but lose a friend in a minute.”

*Latios and Latias are Best Friends*
Ever since I came to college things have changed.

I was told by many people that once you graduate from high school that you won't continue being friends with your friends from high school. Or at least not as close....
Well when I left  I told myself that I wouldn't do that. I thought that I would always be as close as I was with my friends then.

Well now I am starting to see that actually happen.

Lately I have been experiencing an extremely tight bond with my friends in college, and in particular my sorority sisters. Because of them I have someone I can hang out with everyday and pretty much every hour. I have someone who I can talk to about pretty much anything. Within the two semesters I have been here I have collected so many memories, good and bad, with people I just met.

I have many memories with my friends back home as well, but I feel like none of them want to make the effort to actually come visit me. They say they will, but never actually do. This applies to many people, I am NOT targeting specific groups.

What I really want is for them to maybe plan one weekend where they can visit and just relax. They deserve a break, and I feel like I deserve some time with them away from home. Because of some activities, I cannot always go home every weekend to see them. Now it is their turn.

If any of the people I am talking about read this, I want you to know that this is not a note to attack you. I very much care about and LOVE you. I just want to stay friends, and I feel that I am drifting from you. So please take that into consideration.
Amanda <3

Friday, March 18, 2011

Spring is in the Air! @>---%---%---....but why do I feel so Cold?....

Despite the recent change in the weather, there are quite a few things that have brought me down....Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate not having to wear a coat outside, but that isn't enough to compensate for how I feel.

I have been having some issues with friendships recently. Some of these are pretty obvious, but some of them I am hiding very well. I really love ALL these people and I want them to know that, but basically they either just don't seem to care, have hurt me beyond repair, made excuses, are fine living their lives without me, or took advantage of me. There are multiple people that I am referring to, and I really don't know why I am taking all this.
Oh wait.
Yes I do.
I don't seem to care about most things that bother me and tend to ignore them. Well this doesn't seem to be working anymore now does it? I didn't think so....

Basically, I would really like for all this to stop on its own, but I know for a fact that won't happen and most people do not seem to be eager to fix things, let alone even seem to realize this pain I am going through....
I just wish things wouldn't be like this, but they are, and I can't do anything about it....
except....Talk to these people about how they are making me feel, praying, and keeping the ones who I love close to me.
as one song in this situation inspires me, "what the hell"....
maybe that could fix things. maybe....

<3 amanda

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Too Eager!

So I am lying in my bed right now and currently eating some mashed potatoes. I am soooo very excited to be getting my own copy of Pokemon White Version today after Church! I have been following Pokemon since I was 6 years old, and since then I have been a huge fan! The game releases in America today and fans all over the country will be eager for their new game! I have known about this game for about a year, and have had it pre ordered since december. I should really try to get some sleep now though, so good night world!
Amanda <3
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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

We're Halfway There....

Well next week is our long awaited spring break! I am looking forward to playing my new Pokemon white version on this coming Sunday. I have been waiting for this game for about a year, and have had mine pre ordered since December.

Lately things have been getting better. There are still some issues to be dealt with, but those will hopefully be fixed soon. My grades are not where I want them, and my job is about to be done. I have one class that is worth only 100 points total, and they basically told me that there is no positive outcome of that class. That kinda sucks. I talked to my advisor about it, and hopefully it will be fixed. I am also currently writing a paper for my English class, except I need to read the book....

And I just now fell asleep for about 14 minutes while writing this blog post haha (and I even went to bed at 1 last night....)

Anyways, I am at the point where I am going to quit my job here in Ashland because I am to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. I will search for a job for next semester, as well as find a summer job back home.

I am also going to see a psychologist about these issues as well as some others prowling my mind. Hopefully that will help with alot of things.

Well I had better get back to working on my paper. I just had so much on my mind and I needed to get it out so I could focus.

amanda :)