Friday, December 2, 2011


Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering.
It's not enough to save the day.
I can't escape my nightmares.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like whatever I'm doing isn't right. Last night I was thinking about where my home is. I don't feel like it's where I grew up. I don't talk to anyone I graduated with and don't feel like I used to when I walk into my old school. I thought my home was here in Ashland, but how can it be if I am not striving to do everything possible to stay? I'm taking a break next semester, but to me it isn't only a break to straighten out my medications and rest and make some money. I am also using it to figure out what I want to do.

I also felt like my home was Phi Mu. Every experience I have had with my sorority has been amazing and life changing. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. If it was bad, I learned from it. If it was good, I cherished it. But how can this truly be my home if I'm not doing everything in my power to stay? Leaving school means leaving my sorority. I can't participate in things with them or go to meetings.

Lately I have been questioning EVERYTHING. I want to be a teacher, but I don't feel like I have the dedication to be one. Sometimes I feel like all I really want is to work with kids. But I really want to complete college and not just give up on my dream. I also question what I were to do if I didn't stay in college. I'd have to get a job. Where would I work? Would I ever be able to move out of my house? Get my own place? Get married? Have kids? Start a new life? What if I stayed in school? My grades would probably continue to suffer. Would I get kicked out? Would I never get to come back? What about the people I care about? If I don't see them as much will they forget about me? Will my friends back home give up on me? My other ones did, why shouldn't they?

See? This is what I'm dealing with. I am constantly freaking out and asking myself and anyone who is around me these questions. It's gotten to the point where I am shaking and can't sleep. All of this insomniac behavior has not been helping either.

I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I just want to find the place that I can call home. The place I would go to the end of the Earth for. <3

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