"From the outside looking in you don't understand it. From the inside looking out you can't explain it."

September 18th, 2010.

I never expected for my life to be changed that morning.

I remember the whole day so clearly. I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door. It was my dad. He was with my sister on a tour of Kem. The tour guide asked if she could show my room to the visitors and I let her. Later I met with my dad who was finished with the parent visitation and waiting on my sister. We were at the top of the steps to the student center, and meanwhile, the sororities and fraternities were in the process of what they call "Bid Day". 

Bid Day is known as one of the most hectic, exhausting, and yet exciting days for people who are Greek. Basically, it is the day they welcome new members to their families. Obviously an exciting event. No wonder everyone was running around. 

I was thinking to myself, wondering what sorority i might have been in if i had gone through recruitment. Would i be a Delta Zeta? An Alpha Delta Pi? An Alpha Phi? A Phi Mu? I didnt really know. The only one I knew anything about was Phi Mu. But then again, all I knew was that their signature color was pink.....so that didnt amount to much. Still. I wondered. So my dad, sister, and I went to lunch. While we were there we saw all of the Greek groups welcoming their new members with a big lunch and t shirts. I again questioned who I would fit in best with, if I did at all....

Later that day I was getting ready for the football game, and I was dressed in my best purple attire.

First my RA knocked on my door to ask me something, then my friend came over and asked me what time I wanted to leave. Then I heard another knock. Mind you, this was the fourth one that day....

I opened the door and saw a group of girls, they asked if they could come in, and then handed me an envelope. I opened it and gave a surprising look. It was a bid! I looked at the girls and said "Really?" And they said yes! They asked if I needed time to think about it, and I said "I've don't need to think about it." They looked like they were upset and disappointed. Then I said "Okay!" I guess I scared them a little. Haha. But after that, I was a Phi Mu.

Later that night, I went to the 4th Floor where I met some new people and played an amazing game of Quelf. I stayed with these girls until 3 am. It was one of the greatest nights ever!

Because of Phi Mu, I met some of the most amazing people in my life. All of you who are past and present Phi Mus, I am so glad I met you. I am so glad to have spent so much time getting to know you and grow closer. We've been through some good times, some bad times, and of course some pretty epic times.

And to think, I said yes, and all I knew was that "Our Signature Color is Pink". I never thought I would be making one of the best decisions for my life. And to think, I said yes. I said yes because I wanted friends on campus, but instead, I got a whole lot more <3

"The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away."

I recently lost 3 friends who I thought were very dear to me. Sure we had some good times, some good talks, and some laughs along the way, but something honestly felt "not right". There was a part of me that told myself, "why do I not feel happy when I am with these people?"
It turns out, that I was right. Or rather I didn't see it until they actually showed me. It was kind of rude the way they did it, but it was absolutely necessary.

About the end of the school year, I started to accept what was going on. According to them, they said it had been going on since at least the new year. At that time, I thought things were going great. I had friends I could talk to about anything, people who would hang out with me, and people to look forward to seeing when I came home.

Until.

They started becoming closer with other people, closer to each other, and more distant from me. I felt like maybe they wanted some space, so I started texting them less often. Then I made plans for us all to go out for my birthday, and there was some dispute about driving arrangements. That went on for about a week, and later before the party, we made up. February came, and the party went great and I thought things were great.

Until April. when I finally got my birthday gift. April.

It was a cat doll and some notes from them. I thought they were nice, and I was going to thank the other two, because they couldn't be there that night, in person the next time I saw them.
Before I could see them I got an angry text about not being thanked for the gift.

Then there was more arguing and I left it at that. Two of them decided to visit me, and ending up chewing me out about how I never talked to them anymore, and they didn't want to visit me, and they never liked the idea of a sorority
in the first place.

That kind of hit me hard.

I love my sorority. They are one of the greatest choices that I have made in my life. I love them, and if they didn't
understand, then whatever to them.

They de friended me from facebook and never said anything after that. Even though I called and left them messages and sent them texts. Nothing.

So I decided to move on. But before I could, I thought of everything I had wasted on them. Money, time, secrets. I regretted everything I had done with them, and cleared my Facebook of their pictures. I was done.

Then a few days later, something awesome happened.

My best friend came to my sister's graduation party, but she brought two of my old friends that I had left about a year ago. At first I was a little uneasy because I hadn't talked to them for so long. But after seeing them, talking, and hanging out with them the rest of the day, I realized that I had made a huge mistake in giving them up for people who just "used" me. I apologize to them and glad that they have accepted me back. <3

“Life is my college, my sisters are my heart"

I have never felt so at home. I have people who will spend time with me, people who will drop everything and run to me when I'm in trouble, and people who accept me. It's college, more importantly Phi Mu. They are my everything.

And now, I've done it. I've finished my first year of college. It feels too soon. I don't want to leave. I've grown so attached to this place. I actually went and took a walk last night because I wanted to see everything before I left.

But wait.

I'm not leaving for good. I'm not graduating like some of the other people I know.

So why do I feel this way?

It's because I feel at home here, on this campus, that I don't want to leave. I feel like I am Home. 


But....

Shouldn't home be where you are with your friends and family? I feel bad saying that I feel more comfortable here rather than at home with my real family. But how can I avoid the truth?

People say you are happiest at home, and right here, I feel the happiest I've been in a long time. I've met so many people who have had such an impact on my life.

And now I don't want to leave them.

I know I will see them again, but I can't shake this feeling.

As I sit in my Big's room on "my" bed, I look around and watch her pack up her belongings. Memories of the two of us, and others as well, that I won't get to see for awhile. And as I watch her pack neatly into a box some of the pictures I've colored her, door decs I have made, and pictures of us, I think of the times I spent in her room before I was an initiated member. The times when I wasn't yet part of her family.

Looking back, I question myself as to why she continually let me visit her room and stay so long.

Was it because she knew that I was going to become a part of her family?

Was it because she couldn't be mean to me because I was still only a Phi?

Maybe.

But I believe that it was because her and I connected on a special level.

Not like a best friend. Also a sister. Partially mother-daughter like. But also a mix between all of them. I call our relationship "Love" Because we are always there for each other, spend alot of time for each other, and can be there in a instant if we suspect something is wrong with the other.

I love everyone I have met here. And we will always be together because of Phi Mu.

<3

Sprint

I have recently become addicted to yet another Anime. This one is Ouran High School Host Club. I absolutely love it! It is very good if you need a pick me up during the day. I absolutely love it! All of my ringtones are Ouran related.

One Song in particular I have been focusing on alot. It's called Sprint. The First part is actually the video, the extended part is revealed in the last Anime episode towards the end.

I run and run a thousand miles, and I am barely breathing.
Only the fuel of a passionate heart keeps this body strong and moving forward.
Could it be I found a place to rest? How far until I'm OK?
Trees of the town reveal the time has come once again to shift our shade and colors.

The world always changes around us but weakness will always remain;
Through all the pain, believe in who we are right here and now!

Raise one hand to the sky; raise them both lift them high!!
And you'll cut through the darkness make it go!
The time to start is now! And I can show you how.
Start with me, and the world will be even bigger than ever before.

The road that's gonna take me home tonight is just the same as always^
Led by the brink up all the way of the flicker from the streetlamps fading.

The town's falling down all around me, yields to a breeze I felt before,
and now I'm sure it's blowing at my back and guiding me.

In my heart will be where I will keep this despair
'Till the tears all dry up and finally stop!
No goal has been found but we're not turning around;
I'm tearing through that old wind I knew, running and not slowing down.

Those bitter days are calling for you and me to love.
Do you not want to open no more strings and bonds that hold our dreams?

You can choose to go first, you can choose to go last;
Just as long as you move, you'll be OK,
And we'll still let you go, and you can bet I know
That where and how that is learnt 'til now is leading each step of the way.
This song is what has been getting me through alot lately. I can find a way to connect each part with something in my life <3

this picture is just too adorable! :D

"When One door Closes Another One Opens...."

It happened again.

I got in yet ANOTHER fight with my "friends".

Why do I keep doing this?

I don't think I can much longer.

But I know I can get through this.

I have someone to help guide me. Someone who has always watched out for me, whether I knew it or not....

Thank you. <3

"What is a true friend?"

Why?

Why do I tolerate you?

Why do I put up with you?

Why I give you everything, but get minimal in return?

I don't know.

Do you?

Fighting with my friends has become a very recent thing. I am not happy with it, but it continues to happen. Everyone say that things will be better once I see them again in the Summer when I am free again. But that won't happen anyway. They are always busy. Whether it is work, family, or groups/organizations I am not part of.

I don't understand why I continue to tolerate this.

When I think of the word friendship, I imagine people hanging out together and not always using technology unless they are showing something to everyone. 

I feel like if you feel you need to talk to someone else while you are hanging out with a group of people, then you aren't really giving that group your full attention. 

Isn't that one of the reasons friends hang out? To get away from something, someone, some group? 

Not to talk to someone else while doing so.

When I am with one group of friends I feel the need to talk to some of the people in the other group. But, when I am with the other group, I don't feel the need to. Because they are already there and we are having such a good time, that no one else is trying to talk to other people as well. This group of mine, I cherish greatly. We never seem to get in any confrontations, and we are always there for each other. 

I don't understand why I haven't made this group of people my main group.

I would be dealing with less stress. Less drama. Less everything that I don't want.

Maybe it's time for a change....

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself"

I have this friend who has been in my life for about 2 years. The first time we actually met was one of the funnest evenings I had ever had. They were crazy, and I was crazy. A perfect combination of friends. 

Later on we grew closer and closer. We would text every free chance we had every day. We were totally in sync. Whenever they were feeling down, I was there to cheer them up when they were down. I helped them to believe in them self. But what they didn't realize is what a huge impact they had made on me.

I used to be self conscious about everything. I didn't like myself. I thought that I was weird, and annoying, and that no one other than my friends who I had forever would ever accept me. This person was new to my life and accepted me right away. 

We were to the point of being the closest friends when something happened. Someone else from my life came into theirs. I was heart broken. I had lost my newest best friend to my other best friend. I rarely talked to my new friend and being around both of them made me feel like the third wheel on a bicycle. The left out one.

Months went by and we grew to the point of not even speaking to each other. That was when I suffered the most. I didn't know what to do without my new friend. My old friend and I remained close, until one fateful day I will never forget.

Over the summer, my old best friend and I were hanging out. We were away from our phones and when we came back to them there were text messages and voice mails from the other friend and they were upset with something. Apparently they got a message from me saying I hated them. Neither of us were around to have sent it, so I wasn't sure what had happened. It turned out  that my best friend had told someone to send that text from my phone. I had no clue at the time. I had to explain to my other friend what happened during a 3 hour phone conversation with them the next day. After that, they didn't trust my best friend anymore because they lied alot to them. So that was the end of that....

Or so I thought.

It was that summer time and a bunch of us were at a house and all hanging out. My friend whom I had lost was there and they were talking with two of my close friends. They showed me a text message they got that said it was from me and said some things that I never said. We quickly figured out it was sent from the internet in my name. This caused some problems. I was done with my old best friend. I was hurt too much.

After that summer, i thought things were never going to be the same. We drifted apart, but still occasionally said hi. It just seemed so casual and we never really hung out. I just went through my senior year without them. Over the next summer, a bunch of us started hanging out again. We got together every few weeks, but that person and i still weren't very close. Before leaving for college we had a quick chat about it and then they were gone from me for awhile. I occasionally saw them when I visited home, but that was it. Now I am nearing the end of my second semester in college and it has been one of the worst ever. So much drama, school, and people. I had a very long, but thoughtful conversation with this person yesterday. They never really knew how much they meant to me. They were a HUGE part of my life. And I am glad that they now see that. But now the way they responded yesterday, I am a little bit confused. They haven't spoken to me that way since about 2 years ago. So now I want to know if we will be best friends ever again, or just friends....

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