Once Upon a Time....

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was like any other little girl. She liked playing pretend, coloring and drawing, and using her imagination. But she didn't have any friends. Her "best friend" would say that they should play together, and they did a few times, but if something better came up she went to that instead. This left the poor little girl sad and alone. With no one to really call her a friend, she mostly played with her sister. But it is difficult to see someone everyday and not get into a arguments or fights with them, so when the annoyances would build up enough, they would have to be apart from each other for a little while. 


The little girl was left out of the lunch table in the cafeteria, and with nowhere else to go she would just sit with the teacher who was on duty and the special needs kids. This was okay once she got used to it, but when it would be time for recess, she would do solo activities, such as swinging and playing on the playground. Because the little girl didn't play with the other kids, she was left out of social events like birthday parties and other play dates. 


She thought that something was wrong with her and that she didn't fit in with anyone else. As she grew up, she hoped that things would get better and she would have friends that would appreciate and accept her for who she was....


This little girl was me. I've been thinking about why I always have a need to be around people and why I like meeting new people and making friends and such. It's because I didn't have this experience in my childhood. I was lonely and didn't have any true friends. Once I actually did have real friends, I became so attached to them that I did everything I could to keep them from leaving. I always wanted to have someone to talk to and never wanted to feel "alone" again. Once I would get really close with someone and be able to talk to them about anything, I would kind of latch myself onto them and never want them to leave.

I've had a few different experiences with friends. I've had the friends who aren't really your friends, the friends that stab you in the back, the ones who decide they want to cut you out of their life forever, and the ones that you've gone back to so many times that you finally give up on them.

But I've also been blessed with friends that accept me for who I am, who I can't seem to stay mad at no matter what has happened between us, and the ones who I can't imagine my life without, These are the friends who I have grown the closest to as well as making me feel like I am never alone. I love them and want to continue to grow closer and be able to be there for them anyway I can.

<3
Amanda

Just a Post.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. I know it's depression, but from what? The last time I ate an actual meal was Monday, but I haven't felt hungry. I just want to know what's making me so unhappy. If there's one thing I can't stand, besides my friends being unhappy, it's me being unhappy. Because I'm selfish like that. I'm also probably dehydrated. So that's another problem. I don't know what my life is anymore. I feel like nothing is ever going to make sense and work out. I don't know. I just don't know.

I can't Sleep. There are too many thoughts going around in my head.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the rut of not knowing what to do.

I got the letter I had been dreading from school the other day. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. The thing was that about a year ago i didn't expect it to happen. But toward the end of last semester I knew what was happening. And I ran. I ran from everything. Everyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I was failing. Nor did I want anyone else to. And I got so worn down that I just stopped caring, to the point of giving up.

The thing that I'm most annoyed with is about my Big.

And it's my fault. I have asked her for so much help with school, but in the end I just gave up. We even got into a huge fight that almost split us up, but in the end we were able to fix things. I'm grateful for that, but now that I look back on it I just get more disappointed with myself. Big, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about what happened between us because of me. I know I've said that before, but now that I'm looking back at everything I felt like it needed said. I should have appreciated your help more and in reality, I should've just realized the situation earlier and taken care of things so that I could've fixed this problem. But we all know how stubborn I am.

Now that I'm taking a break from school I have time to think about what I really want to do. Honestly, I don't see myself going back. I hate school. I should have been focusing on learning at school. Instead I found people who have changed my life. These people have also made me realize that I don't know who I am. I may know a little bit about myself, but I don't know my purpose. And I wasn't going to find that out at school. So if I don't find it out there, where will I? "When will my life begin?"

Okay. I've been watching Tangled too much, but honestly the quote fits.

Fhkjurewdfhmhfsdfhhtethkutewryioutewtjlutetjlkyetjtewtjteyjur.

I hate everything right now.

I'm not smiling.

I'm not with my Big, Best Friend, or Grandbig right now.

I got a piece of glass stuck in my foot.

I can't find my meds.

All I want to do is lay in bed.

And Cry.

And listen to Doomsday.

I don't want to talk to people.

The love of my life doesn't love me.

I am listening to my "depressing" music.

I'm crying for no reason.

I'm eating large amounts of chocolate.

I'm freezing.

My internet won't work.

I have to find a job.

I have to be an adult.

I am probably going to quit school.

I've lost touch with who I am.

I'm distant from my faith.

I'm depressed.

I don't seem to care.

My room is a disaster.

I never get to see my friends.

I feel inferior to my sisters.

Who am I?

Nightmares

Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering.
It's not enough to save the day.
I can't escape my nightmares.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like whatever I'm doing isn't right. Last night I was thinking about where my home is. I don't feel like it's where I grew up. I don't talk to anyone I graduated with and don't feel like I used to when I walk into my old school. I thought my home was here in Ashland, but how can it be if I am not striving to do everything possible to stay? I'm taking a break next semester, but to me it isn't only a break to straighten out my medications and rest and make some money. I am also using it to figure out what I want to do.

I also felt like my home was Phi Mu. Every experience I have had with my sorority has been amazing and life changing. It didn't matter if it was good or bad. If it was bad, I learned from it. If it was good, I cherished it. But how can this truly be my home if I'm not doing everything in my power to stay? Leaving school means leaving my sorority. I can't participate in things with them or go to meetings.

Lately I have been questioning EVERYTHING. I want to be a teacher, but I don't feel like I have the dedication to be one. Sometimes I feel like all I really want is to work with kids. But I really want to complete college and not just give up on my dream. I also question what I were to do if I didn't stay in college. I'd have to get a job. Where would I work? Would I ever be able to move out of my house? Get my own place? Get married? Have kids? Start a new life? What if I stayed in school? My grades would probably continue to suffer. Would I get kicked out? Would I never get to come back? What about the people I care about? If I don't see them as much will they forget about me? Will my friends back home give up on me? My other ones did, why shouldn't they?

See? This is what I'm dealing with. I am constantly freaking out and asking myself and anyone who is around me these questions. It's gotten to the point where I am shaking and can't sleep. All of this insomniac behavior has not been helping either.

I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I just want to find the place that I can call home. The place I would go to the end of the Earth for. <3

Wibely Wobbly, Timey Whimey Stuff

Wow. I haven't blogged in awhile. So here goes....

New Blog Layout, which means I have developed another obsession. This time it is Doctor Who. Props to my Grand Big Michelle Daymon and one of my Best Friends Eric Schlabach for introducing me to it. You should watch it too if you haven't. Especially if you like geeking out over dorky men like David Tennant as well as others, science, epicness, being made fun of for being a geek, time travel, pin striped suits, trench coats, amazing hair, and so on and so forth. Basically, it is cool and awesome, and you should watch it.

So this shows how much of a geek I have become....the colors in my blog reflect David Tennant's outfits on Doctor Who. The light blue is the pin stripe, brown for the trench coat, burgundy for his shoes, and dark blue for his other suit. Yeah....

So enough about Doctor Who (for now....even though it is amazing) and onto my life.

Actually, I am mostly going to incorporate Doctor Who in this part too because I am going to talk about Chameleon Circuit's songs. Chameleon Circuit is a band the plays songs about Doctor Who. Isn't that magnificent? It's called Time Lord Rock. I love how it has its own genre. Win.

So about the songs....I have some favorites, they are An Awful lot of Running to Do, Nightmares, Blink, and Teenage Rebel. Though these songs are about Doctor Who, I can find places in my life that relate to them.

I feel like An Awful lot of Running to Do is pretty obvious, but I will still talk about it.

"It's completely terrifying but it's so so exciting
He said I was brilliant and I could change the world
So many places I've been; there's so much more to see
We've got galaxies and planets and moons
And an awful lot of running to do"

It depends on why you are running, but either way it is probably either terrifying, or exciting. It can also be both. We all feel like we are running from something, or with something. Personally, I am running from something, and have been for years. It's nothing dangerous in the sense, but it does affect me. It's the kind of thing that you know needs to happen, or you desperately want it to, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Sometimes you get those little bits of false hope, and you think at that moment that everything is going to change, and that everything you want is running towards you, but then it passes you and you're left running away from what you thought was running to you.

So don't blink
I said, don't blink
Just look directly at them
And they'll stay where they are
I think they're crying anyway
They can't mean no harm
my eyes are watering
I'm right on the brink
I'm sure nothing would happen
If I were to-"

Don't Blink. Blink and you're dead. Well not really. This song is referring to a few episodes where there is a circumstance that requires them not to blink because of something that can move so fast while you aren't looking at them. However, in this case, "Blink and you are dead" should instead say "Blink and you''ll miss it". Hold onto what you value most, because time is always moving. If you go through it too fast then you aren't able to enjoy it and it just slips right past you. My point is that you shouldn't let life pass you by too fast. One moment you are having the time of your life, and then before you know it, it's gone. In the blink of an eye.

"Hey old man
Rest your head
You're breaking down inside
Armour's cracked, set to collapse
Damn you, don't you cry
I've ended lives
And ended worlds
I guess I've done it all
Fire and ice
And rage inside
How long until I fall?

Somewhere all my darkest fears
Are gathering
It's not enough to
Save the day
I can't escape my nightmares

Dreams have shown me
Who I am
A danger to myself

Trickster feared
Far from revered,
So I must fear as well
Words and laughter's
Wearing thin,
Breaking this disguise
Where do (the) Angels
Fear to tread?
How can I think to hide?"

This one has been in my head alot. I'm not normally the type of person who is drawn to the darker songs, but this one always strikes a chord with me. Specifically the part that says

"Somewhere all my darkest fears are gathering. It's not enough to save the day. I can't escape my nightmares". Nightmares. We are all haunted by them. Whether we allow them to affect us or not is the real thing we need to worry about. It's that feeling when everything you don't want to happen, happens. Instantaneously. It makes you feel like your world is falling apart and there isn't anything you can do about it. But then you have to remember the good things you have. The friends that truly matter in your life because you know they care about you, the good times you had with old friends, your family, and yourself and all the wonderful things you have accomplished. If you take some time to appreciate the little things in life, soon they will out number the bad ones.

"I've got so many different faces, So many different personalities, My taste and gygat cravings, Are some things you can't take away from me You can't stop me dreaming. I used to be old, But now I feel young, Cause I was a boy when I learned how to run, I could never be settled in one time or place, I won't ever stop, Cause I know what's right, Get in my way, I will burst into light I'll keep dying and living and changing my ways, But I was a teenage rebel, and that stayed the same. It might feel like you're defeated, But I know that we all long to be set free, So overcome your monsters, Rise up, there is just one thing you need. Something to believe in."

This one is similar to "Nightmares", but it is the solution to those worries. People can't stop you from dreaming, because those are your dreams. No matter how unrealistic they may seem, or how silly other people may think they are, they are yours and nothing can take them away from you. Be a rebel of reality, and dream.

And in conclusion, here is my favorite picture of David Tennant ever. We all need to see the humorous side of life and have fun with it like him. I mean come on, look at him. He's sitting in a wardrobe drinking tea. <3

Insert Post Title Here.

David Tennant. That is all.